I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
