Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
