dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize