i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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