Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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