Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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