Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
