thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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