remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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