I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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