how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
