I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
