Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
