hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize