The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Houston, we have a squirter
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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