I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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