So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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