i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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