I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
