I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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