biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize