anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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