The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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