the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
they call him Oral-B. enough said
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Randomize
