I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
