Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
