I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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