life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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