i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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