A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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