I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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