Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
