I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
