I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
