We won't sleep together?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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