I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
