I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
Fuck appropriateness.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
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