by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize