Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
