True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
