I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
