I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
