i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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