I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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