...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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