while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize