Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
