i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
