Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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