So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
