She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
