You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
