I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
