Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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