I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I want to be your penis for a week.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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