The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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