she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
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