My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
