Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
