I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Drunk walkin through police station. America
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Randomize
